Something Foolish [Video Recording]

Reimei sits in a leather armchair in a wood-paneled room, holoscreens mounted on the walls displaying tactical readouts of a Drake-class battlecruiser. He runs a hand through his short, spiked black hair, looking strained as he leans back in the chair. He frowns at the camera, looking at it as though it were some uninvited guest at a private gathering.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing with this thing, but people keep saying that they have amazing cathartic value. So, I keep wondering why I'm doing it. Ninety-seven years and I've never once felt the need to get things off my chest.

He shrugs in his seat, looking perplexed.

It's been a week of firsts, though. Aldrith's basilica was not a place I ever imagined I would revisit. I'm not sure what came over me, but I think I had to go there. Mostly because I owed Aldrith an apology for what an ass I was while I was drunk at the Gate. But, I think what I really got out of it was that I realized I didn't need to be there. If there is a God, and I certainly can't make myself believe that the Amarrians are right, I doubt that you'd find it somewhere like that. Sure, Aldrith and his people are devout, maybe some of them are even good, but I think they've got it wrong.

Anyway, I went to pray; something I have never done in my entire life. I was sure it would be wrong of me to pray for myself, as what I know about their God says it's generally not a good idea to come knocking at its door for the first time in an hour of need, begging to have your ass pulled out of the fire. No, whatever happens to me now is simply going to happen. I wanted to pray for Amaterasu. I guess I just thought that, if there was a God, that after everything its people had done to her, it owed her one, and could look after her if I wouldn't be able to anymore. Stupid notion, I know.

He laughs at himself, though grimly, rubbing a hand over his jaw.

It's something downright foolish when I say it aloud. And I thought Inara was naïve. Here I am looking for help from on high for Amaterasu, in what I know is the last place she'd ever get it.

He sighs heavily, and looks back at the camera.

But now is a little late to worry about it. Lilly and Tyrias are waiting, and it seems like I am doing everything I can come up with to slow down my going to them. I've run headlong into death more times than I can count, and never once flinched, so why now?

At this, he pauses again, and rubs his temples with his fingertips, closing his gray eyes. He lets out another slow sigh, and looks away from the camera, at something on the wall behind it, his gaze abstracting.

Amaterasu. Maybe it's only fair that, as soon as I find something worth living for, I have to die. After everything I've done, it'd be wrong of me to whine about how unfair it is for my life to end once I start to actually enjoy it. And yet, that doesn't change the fact, even a little, that I'm simply not ready to die anymore. Morwen was right. I've been ready to die, even trying to die for twenty years now. But, now I have someone to take care of, someone I actually want to have in my life, and I may have to give it all up. I hope she will forgive me if I do die, because I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for leaving her. But I'll be damned if I don't fight with everything I have to come back home to her.

Ethan seems to think I can, but I think he's alone in that. Alone except that, maybe, I agree with him. I refuse to believe that, of all people, Lilly will be the end of me. If she tries, Ethan gave me a little something that will, I hope, put her down for good if it comes to that. I hope it doesn't come to that, though.

Let's see...who else..?

There's Inara. She seems reasonably sure I can't manage it, what with all the soft scanning business she wanted to do. But then, Inara apparently doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. It would be a shame to die and leave her with Age as a mentor, but I doubt I could fix that for her even if I do survive. Poor kid.

Morwen was just angry. But she seems angry most of the time anymore. Angry or sad. Didn't really get to talk to her much, but maybe that's a good thing. The last thing I need is Morwen in one of her funks trying to stop me going. Aldrith seemed to feel the same way. But then, so did Jenn. Nice to know the level of confidence I inspire in the people around me. I remember when I used to be a leader, and none of the people I knew would have ever questioned me doing something like this. Was it because they didn't care, or have I lost some of that since coming out here.

And what if I do survive? What, then? What will Amaterasu and I do? I know she would join Veto Academy in a heartbeat to learn how to fight and keep her friends safe, but she doesn't understand that they're pirates. Me…

Reimei shrugs again, leaning back.

It's a life I could get used to easily enough. But I don't see Amaterasu doing it. Maybe I'm wrong, and not giving her enough credit. But she's just so gentle that I can't imagine her attacking someone for money. And there's Ghost Festival, Inara's "Family." With one exception, they seem to be good people. The ones I've met, at least. But Vaden Khale, the scared little boy playing tough while he wanders in the dark, is probably enough to keep me clear of them. If he comes near Amaterasu again, I will have to kill him, auto turrets in the Gate be damned. But...

He runs a hand through his hair again, looking troubled.

It's funny, in his own sick way, I think he wants to help Amaterasu. Certainly, he wants to shape her into something horrible, but he does seem to be doing it to help her. I'm not entirely convinced he wouldn't hurt her, but I think he wants to teach her his own twisted brand of strength. I would rather see her be stronger than that, even at peace if possible. But, under different circumstances, I might have liked the guy

I don't think my life of trying to avoid people is going to be good for her, though. Amaterasu has been growing so much, coming out of her shell around all the people that she's met at the Gate. I think the next step for her is to join a real corporation, and learn to work with people, to be a useful part of a larger whole. But how can I help her with that? The only thing I was ever particularly good at was destruction, and she's just not that sort of person. Maybe...

He sighs again.

Maybe I'll talk to Ethan, or Myrhial. The couple times I've seen her, she seemed like a decent enough woman. Amaterasu really seems to like Kimochi, so maybe that would be a better starting point. If I tell Amaterasu to join a corporation, she will just do it. She needs to figure this out for herself.

Another grim laugh, and he stands.

Of course, this is all assuming that I live past tomorrow. It's a nice thought, but who knows what Lilly has in store for me? From the looks of it, nothing I will like.
He glances away from the camera again, shifting the black, carbon fiber pistol in its holster on his hip, and then turns back to the camera, leaning down toward the controls

No idea if this helped. But, if I die, I bet when Morwen and everyone finds this, they'll have a good laugh.

He enters a command into his datapad resting on the table before him, and the video feed blanks.