"Family"

I should have just smashed her fucking head. That stupid, stupid girl. I get a message from Amaterasu saying that she's in Inara's medical bay, and wants me to come say hello. Inara tells me that she gave Amaterasu a glass full of Nerve Sticks, to which Amaterasu is, apparently, allergic. Instead of calling me when it happens, Inara waits until Amaterasu wakes up and decides to call me herself. She could have died, and Inara didn't so much as send me a goddamn page.

Amaterasu is fine, thankfully. The doctors cleaned out her system, and she's doing alright. But fucking Inara...that stupid, stupid girl. First Age, and everything that entailed, and now this. Amaterasu has been in Ghost Festival for two fucking days and Inara has already nearly killed her. Maybe I should have talked her out of it.

Inara wanted me to kill her. I probably should have. But what would have been the point? She would have gotten to forget what she did, and watch the highlights and not have to worry. No, she gets to live, and I hope she fucking suffers for remembering it all. I told her that, as far as I was concerned, she was dead, though. Ninety-seven years, and never once have I been intentionally cruel. Until then. I couldn't think of anything I could do that would hurt her more, so that was what I did, and I hope to hell it worked. Amaterasu trusted her, and that's what she got. How is being with PRETA going to help if Inara is the standard? If I see her again, she dies.

I had to take Amaterasu back to the Gate where Inara couldn't follow. I don't want to see her again. Ever. But I don't think I have that choice. Gods...if I see her again...If she hurts Amaterasu again in any way...

Lazarus?

Ethan asked me how many lives I have once. I told him I didn't want to have to find out.

Apparently I have at least four. I died as Ryan and came back as Reimei. I died again as Reimei and Ciarente managed to bring me back from that. Now they tell me I was dead again. Braindead, really. Lilly's implants were keeping me alive, preventing the tissue from decaying and maintaining a heartbeat and everything else. But there was no activity in my brain at all.

I don't know what they did. I woke up in a bombed-out research complex somewhere in Esoteria with a few dozen True Slaves pounding on the door, and Lilly telling me it was time to get the hell out. We did, but only just, and now Inara has us cooped up on her carrier for...well, I don't really know why. She told me she doesn't want us leaving, which is a bit of a laugh.

I've been out a few times so far, just to see some friends. They were a bit surprised to see me alive, and I guess in retrospect, I'm surprised to be alive. None of them are happy about how it happened though, and frankly neither am I. Whatever Lilly put in my head to get impulses firing, it came from Nation technology. Hikari caught wind and had me come meet her at the Skyhook because apparently her corporation has standing orders to avoid the Gate. No idea why, but I guess they aren't the only ones what with all the trouble I heard Ordo was in.

Anyway, she wanted to talk to me about it. Warned me how subtle the "transformation," as she called it, is or can be. She seems to think that I'll be a True within a few months. It was all I could do not to laugh. I told her that would never happen, that the implants are only keeping my neurons firing. She wasn't convinced. What else can I do, though? The doctors said that there is some residual tissue damage, and I won't be able to scan for a clone for at least a couple of weeks. Until then, I'm stuck in this body.

It's not so bad, I guess. My head hurts more often than is probably normal, and I've been getting nosebleeds with odd frequency. The worst of it was when that Riri girl who told Ethan and me where Tyrias was before we killed him showed up. She had to have been on something, because she was stronger and faster than anyone her size ought to be. Forced me into a bench, sat in my lap, and demanded and apology for breaking her bracelet the night I met her.

Inara's guards showed up and made things worse. I'd been letting the amateurs follow me for a few weeks, but not anymore. The girl had these tattoos on her neck that, well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised about them, coming form Tyrias. She calls him "Master" like it's a name. I'd feel sorry for her if it wasn't so revolting.

I went to talk to Inara about getting the guards off of me, but Age was there. Between the headaches and exhaustion, and how angry I was about the guards, I couldn't deal with her. Age apparently felt the same way, because she tried to punch me a few times. I didn't let her, and just left the room.

I went back to Amaterasu's ship, which is still in Inara's maintenance array, and decided to try to sleep it off. About a half hour later I got a message from Inara saying to meet her at the observation deck on her carrier. I ignored it and went back to sleep. About twenty minutes after the time she appointed for me to meet her, Amaterasu's XO comes knocking at the door to her quarters, trying to get me to come out and talk to Inara. The goddamn woman is persistent.

So I went to talk to her, and she had some kind of fit. Just collapsed, half crying, half laughing. I pucked her up and calmed her down more on reflex than anything else. Took her to the galley and cooked her dinner and then told her to remove the security detail. Eventually she agreed, but then told me to show Age more consideration in her home.

That was, well, about the last I could take of that. She actually believes that the things Age has dome to me are okay, because it is Age, and she must have a higher purpose. The girl is so unbelievably stupid in how lovestruck she is that I simply can't make myself deal with her anymore. So, I told her that I'd already have killed Age if I could.

She didn't like that. At all. I agreed to leave Age alone provided I never see her again. Told Inara that if Age so much as looks at me funny, I'll start looking for a way to kill her. Inara begged me not to make her choose between Age and me. I am not sure who she thinks she's kidding there. From the way she defended Age, and continues to defend her, what she is really asking is for me not to make her actually do something about the choice she's already made. She tried to tell me that I needed to give Age another chance, that even I'd said everyone deserves a second chance. Well, Age has had her second chance. And third, and fourth. She spat on all of them, and I'm past believing that'll change.

When I told Inara that I would leave Age alone if she left me alone, though, Inara treated it like I'd just rescued her child from a burning building. Swore to give me anything I wanted, and promised she was so far in my debt she'd never be able to repay me. Took offense when I told her not to bother trying, that she had nothing I wanted. I probably could have been more diplomatic about that, but I'm tired of that girl and how stupid she is. I never should have tried to do for her what I tried and failed to do for Tyrias. At least when I met Tyrias he had sense and potential. I don't know what I was thinking with Inara.

And, to make matters even more complicated, Amaterasu has just come home with bloody hands and strange news. It seems that I'm getting what I wanted. Amaterasu is joining a corporation, or so she says. But, the corporation she's joining is PRETA, which means she'll be flying with Inara. At least there are other people there who I think I can trust to look after her. She said she didn't really remember the interview very well, and I think I know what that means, but she told me she broke Vaden's jaw, which at least made me laugh. Apparently he stopped calling her slave, and even shook her hand though. Maybe, as long as she keeps clear of Inara and Age, it'll be a good place for her. This Vince guy she brought back to show her ship the other day seems decent enough, and genuinely interested in her well being.

Vincent Pryce was his full name. Inara seemed to have an interest in him, but Inara seems to be interested in just about anything with a pulse. When I met him first, Inara was sitting in Amaterasu's lounge on the Kagutsuchi, naked as usual. Apparently it made him uncomfortable as hell. I hadn't given it a second thought until he turned ten shades of red and started stammering and slipping up when he talked.

But, Amaterasu said he was nice to her. Said he let her try some fruit, gave her a birthday cake, and some fruit juice she really liked. I'll have to get to know him a little better to see if there's anything else to him. He seemed damned uncomfortable when Inara blurted out that I had Sansha implants. Not that I blame him, but then that's Inara. Not even a modicum of regard for anyone's privacy.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try to talk to him. If Amaterasu is, in fact, joining PRETA, then I need to know more about them. Maybe I'll catch Myrhial at the Gate again. Asking Inara would be a waste of time, and I doubt Vaden can actually talk, or that he'd talk to me if he could. I'll just have to figure it out. But for now, I've double checked that the fingernail cuts in Amaterasu's palms are clean, and she's asleep. I guess I'll stop this before the keyboard wakes her up. As if anything really could...

Something Foolish [Video Recording]

Reimei sits in a leather armchair in a wood-paneled room, holoscreens mounted on the walls displaying tactical readouts of a Drake-class battlecruiser. He runs a hand through his short, spiked black hair, looking strained as he leans back in the chair. He frowns at the camera, looking at it as though it were some uninvited guest at a private gathering.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing with this thing, but people keep saying that they have amazing cathartic value. So, I keep wondering why I'm doing it. Ninety-seven years and I've never once felt the need to get things off my chest.

He shrugs in his seat, looking perplexed.

It's been a week of firsts, though. Aldrith's basilica was not a place I ever imagined I would revisit. I'm not sure what came over me, but I think I had to go there. Mostly because I owed Aldrith an apology for what an ass I was while I was drunk at the Gate. But, I think what I really got out of it was that I realized I didn't need to be there. If there is a God, and I certainly can't make myself believe that the Amarrians are right, I doubt that you'd find it somewhere like that. Sure, Aldrith and his people are devout, maybe some of them are even good, but I think they've got it wrong.

Anyway, I went to pray; something I have never done in my entire life. I was sure it would be wrong of me to pray for myself, as what I know about their God says it's generally not a good idea to come knocking at its door for the first time in an hour of need, begging to have your ass pulled out of the fire. No, whatever happens to me now is simply going to happen. I wanted to pray for Amaterasu. I guess I just thought that, if there was a God, that after everything its people had done to her, it owed her one, and could look after her if I wouldn't be able to anymore. Stupid notion, I know.

He laughs at himself, though grimly, rubbing a hand over his jaw.

It's something downright foolish when I say it aloud. And I thought Inara was naïve. Here I am looking for help from on high for Amaterasu, in what I know is the last place she'd ever get it.

He sighs heavily, and looks back at the camera.

But now is a little late to worry about it. Lilly and Tyrias are waiting, and it seems like I am doing everything I can come up with to slow down my going to them. I've run headlong into death more times than I can count, and never once flinched, so why now?

At this, he pauses again, and rubs his temples with his fingertips, closing his gray eyes. He lets out another slow sigh, and looks away from the camera, at something on the wall behind it, his gaze abstracting.

Amaterasu. Maybe it's only fair that, as soon as I find something worth living for, I have to die. After everything I've done, it'd be wrong of me to whine about how unfair it is for my life to end once I start to actually enjoy it. And yet, that doesn't change the fact, even a little, that I'm simply not ready to die anymore. Morwen was right. I've been ready to die, even trying to die for twenty years now. But, now I have someone to take care of, someone I actually want to have in my life, and I may have to give it all up. I hope she will forgive me if I do die, because I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for leaving her. But I'll be damned if I don't fight with everything I have to come back home to her.

Ethan seems to think I can, but I think he's alone in that. Alone except that, maybe, I agree with him. I refuse to believe that, of all people, Lilly will be the end of me. If she tries, Ethan gave me a little something that will, I hope, put her down for good if it comes to that. I hope it doesn't come to that, though.

Let's see...who else..?

There's Inara. She seems reasonably sure I can't manage it, what with all the soft scanning business she wanted to do. But then, Inara apparently doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. It would be a shame to die and leave her with Age as a mentor, but I doubt I could fix that for her even if I do survive. Poor kid.

Morwen was just angry. But she seems angry most of the time anymore. Angry or sad. Didn't really get to talk to her much, but maybe that's a good thing. The last thing I need is Morwen in one of her funks trying to stop me going. Aldrith seemed to feel the same way. But then, so did Jenn. Nice to know the level of confidence I inspire in the people around me. I remember when I used to be a leader, and none of the people I knew would have ever questioned me doing something like this. Was it because they didn't care, or have I lost some of that since coming out here.

And what if I do survive? What, then? What will Amaterasu and I do? I know she would join Veto Academy in a heartbeat to learn how to fight and keep her friends safe, but she doesn't understand that they're pirates. Me…

Reimei shrugs again, leaning back.

It's a life I could get used to easily enough. But I don't see Amaterasu doing it. Maybe I'm wrong, and not giving her enough credit. But she's just so gentle that I can't imagine her attacking someone for money. And there's Ghost Festival, Inara's "Family." With one exception, they seem to be good people. The ones I've met, at least. But Vaden Khale, the scared little boy playing tough while he wanders in the dark, is probably enough to keep me clear of them. If he comes near Amaterasu again, I will have to kill him, auto turrets in the Gate be damned. But...

He runs a hand through his hair again, looking troubled.

It's funny, in his own sick way, I think he wants to help Amaterasu. Certainly, he wants to shape her into something horrible, but he does seem to be doing it to help her. I'm not entirely convinced he wouldn't hurt her, but I think he wants to teach her his own twisted brand of strength. I would rather see her be stronger than that, even at peace if possible. But, under different circumstances, I might have liked the guy

I don't think my life of trying to avoid people is going to be good for her, though. Amaterasu has been growing so much, coming out of her shell around all the people that she's met at the Gate. I think the next step for her is to join a real corporation, and learn to work with people, to be a useful part of a larger whole. But how can I help her with that? The only thing I was ever particularly good at was destruction, and she's just not that sort of person. Maybe...

He sighs again.

Maybe I'll talk to Ethan, or Myrhial. The couple times I've seen her, she seemed like a decent enough woman. Amaterasu really seems to like Kimochi, so maybe that would be a better starting point. If I tell Amaterasu to join a corporation, she will just do it. She needs to figure this out for herself.

Another grim laugh, and he stands.

Of course, this is all assuming that I live past tomorrow. It's a nice thought, but who knows what Lilly has in store for me? From the looks of it, nothing I will like.
He glances away from the camera again, shifting the black, carbon fiber pistol in its holster on his hip, and then turns back to the camera, leaning down toward the controls

No idea if this helped. But, if I die, I bet when Morwen and everyone finds this, they'll have a good laugh.

He enters a command into his datapad resting on the table before him, and the video feed blanks.