Free Thought

It's been entirely too long since I was able to sit and think for myself. Fighting the implants took every ounce of willpower I had, and in the end, doing it was killing me. Literally. The doctors said that my resisting the implants was causing cerebral damage that, if it went on, would become irreparable, and eventually fatal. So I had to let go. I left a recording for Inara with instructions about what to do, came up with a way to get it to her, and let the implants do their work.

Watching your body move on its own, do things you don't want it to, is...unsettling, at best. On some level I was aware that what was happening was not me, but at my most conscious level of thought..well, I'm not so sure. Suffice to say that if I am ever given the choice between those implants and death again, I will take death. Granted, this time I didn't have a choice.

But now I'm back. I can think for myself, and I don't think I ever appreciated exactly how wonderful that is. Every second isn't an unending and nearly unendurable battle to maintain some scrap of free will. From the look of it, not many, if any others, knew what was going on. Except for, and I don't know who thought this was funny, that this clone's hair is down to my goddamn shoulders. I'll have to get it cut once I have a free minute. Someone somewhere is having a laugh.

I think it's Lilly. I noticed that, while this body is almost entirely normal, the eyes and some of the muscles are artificial. I found out when I looked in the mirror and my eyes were changing color. I think maybe it's her idea of a gift. Or a joke. It's hard to tell. At least it seems that, barring that, this is a normal body. No more weird shit with skin temperature or blood. I won't miss that. I will admit though that it is sort of fun to play with people by changing my eye color every few minutes.

Amaterasu is out doing some maintenance on her new assault ships. One of the first things we did when I got back was go have a look at them. I have to admit, they are pretty nice. There's something haphazardly charming about Minmatar design, and the Wolf and Jaguar look a bit more finished than the Rifter. She loves them, and I suppose that's what really matters. After seeing what they cost compared to a Rifter though, I hope she can minimize the number of times she loses one.

Inara stopped by and wanted to talk about what happened over the last couple weeks, and how much of it I was in control of, what was true, what wasn't, and so on. Poor kid. I did my best to explain, but she's so damn shy and obtuse that dragging the questions she actually wants to ask out of her is damn near impossible. Maybe after she's had some time to sort it out for herself, she'll be able to figure out exactly what she wants to ask me. Or just get up the courage to do it, though I can't imagine why she would possibly be scared to ask me anything.

Another somewhat interesting development is that Amaterasu has apparently gotten some sort of planetside assignment from the Cartel. It looks like a simple courier job, maybe just testing out how trustworthy she is, but I'm not at all convinced. Trusting the members of Ghost Festival is one thing, but the Cartel at large...well, that would be foolish at best. But I suppose she doesn't have a lot of choice about doing it. I'll go with her, to make sure that everything goes smoothly. It'll give her an excuse to use her Wolf, even if only as a transport. She's supposed to leave tonight so that she can be wherever she's going early tomorrow morning. I guess we'll see how it goes. Even if it is just a milk run, I'd have been a lot happier if they could have put someone else on it. I don't want Amaterasu pulled too far into the Cartel's "business."

Hopefully, now that I'm me again, I can keep some sort of eye on that.

Where Are We?

Riemei sits, somewhat slumped, in a chair in the lounge in his battleship. A mostly empty glass of vodka sits in front of him, though he does not appear drunk. Mostly, he looks tired, his eyes on something above and behind the camera as he rests both of his hands on the arm of his chair.

It's been a hell of a week. Amaterasu's in Ethan's medical facilities now, undergoing some treatment I don't really understand. From what Ethan said, though, it will fix her...problem. It's supposed to get rid of this other Amaterasu that surfaces sometimes. I hope it works. On the few occasions I've managed to talk to Amaterasu on the subject, she's been absolutely terrified of it, whatever it is. Some kind of split personality as near as I can figure.

Reimei rubs his temple with one hand, looking pale and drawn as he pauses in thought.

She is growing, though. Getting better, I think. I didn't get to see much of what she was like at the party at the Three Sisters, but apparently she had a great time. Kimochi told me that Amaterasu tried to wrestle Makar into the pool, and that she "stole Kasuko's boobs." I don't actually know what that last part means, but apparently most of the people at the party ended up topless at one point or another, so I have to imagine that it had something to do with that. I can't really imagine Amaterasu running around topless, but then, she was really, really drunk. Of course, I also couldn't have imagined Ethan running around in a pink bikini, but I guess I don't have to try anymore, either.

Reimei shudders and laughs at the same time.

It sounds like everyone had a great time. I'm half-sorry that I missed it, but I think Inara needed someone to talk to more. She was going to leave, but I convinced her to stay by taking her as my date down to the pool, since Ethan taken Amaterasu and Kimochi off to the pool a bit earlier. I've never seen Inara so depressed. I guess it's because Reppy is gone, lost in a wormhole, but she said that Reppy was fine. I wonder what else it could be. Maybe she's just lonely. So used to having Reppy and Age all the time that she doesn't know what to do without them.

Reimei wrinkles his nose at the thought of Inara with Age, but does not comment further.

I would say it's silly, but that would be terribly hypocritical of me. I've gotten so used to having Amaterasu around all the time that, now that she's out flying with Ghost Festival, I don't know what to do with myself. Part of me is happy for her, finally coming into her own, but then, it's sad to see that she doesn't need me any longer. That is, of course, not what is happening with Inara, since Reppy will never, ever form an identity outside of Inara, but she is alone for the moment, from the sound of it.

Anyway, Inara didn't particularly want to be at the party, so we left when things started getting really wild, and went back here for a drink. Of course, as we were leaving, an absolutely inebriated Morwen yelled for my attention and then grabbed Lilly and started making out with her on the spot, right in the pool at the laguna. That was a bit unsettling.

Another half-laugh, half-shudder as Reimei remembers the scene.

It seems that Inara is the sort of woman who wants what she cannot have. She admitted it, in a sense, just not in so many words. I don't understand her desire to sleep with her friends, and I don't think she understands why I won't do it. I love Amaterasu, even if she doesn't love me, and I will not be the one to hurt her, and certainly not by sleeping with one of her friends and coworkers. Of course, when I went home that night, Amaterasu was passed out, drunk and naked in the bed. I would have been worried, if Ethan hadn't told me that it was Makar who brought her up to put her to bed, and that she had not, in fact, been naked for the trip home.

Inara got a call while we were talking, and had to leave. I heard Kelsy's voice on her datapad, and, being able to put two and two together from what she said, figured something had gone wrong with her and Vince.

Turns out I was right. Next day, Vince came into the Gate looking like he'd slept in a gutter after jumping into a meat grinder. He wasn't particularly coherent, but apparently Kelsy left him. I didn't get much out of him before Ethan practically carried him off to the compound behind the Gate to talk. I hope he's okay.

I talked to Kasuko a bit about the party after that, as well as Kimmy and Ethan. Apparently some people on GalNet had voted for Amaterasu as the wildest person at the party, which almost worried me. I asked Ethan what she had done, and he just told me that I didn't want to know. Kasuko, however, had no such reservations about saying what had happened. Apaprently Amaterasu had been topless and trying to tackle Makar, as well as wrestle with Kasuko. Kasuko claims Amaterasu tried to steal her top, too, but I'm not altogether sure I believe that.

Kasuko's a strange woman, sort of charming in her own crude, tactless way. Not sure why she drinks so much. I'm not sure I've seen her sober. She surprised me last night by launching into a mini-lecture about the composition of asteroids and methods of removing ore from them without causing structural instability. Somewhere under all the liquor there is a brain, which is good to know.

Reimei frowns and takes a drink from the glass sitting on the table in front of him.

Then Riri showed up. I don't quite get why she does it. Running around with all these tattoos proclaiming how she belongs to Tyrias, but I've never seen them together. Of course, Tyrias knows the stay the hell out of the Gate, but still...

Reimei rubs his jaw in thought as he sets the glass back down.

She seems to have some sort of special interest in tormenting me. Not sure what it is, or why, but she really seems to enjoy it. The way she dresses would be distracting if she wasn't so revolting as a person. Pretty girl, but completely fucked in the head. Kasuko seemed to enjoy it, which broke the tension just a bit. I hope she doesn't get any ideas about Riri though, I hate to think what Tyrias would do to Kasuko if given the chance.

Apparently Tyrias showed up at the party sometime after I left. Fortunately, apparently Amaterasu had left by then as well. Aldrith was rather out of sorts about him having been there, and so was some new friend of his...Sah Phyre. She seemed nice enough, but when I warned her to keep clear of Tyrias, she said that she was done running, that she could take care of herself. I guess that's what everyone wants to think, though. But Tyrias has left a wake of bodies of people who thought they could take care of themselves behind him. I just hope that little slip of an Intaki doesn't end up being one of them. Maybe I should talk to Ethan about putting Tyrias down for good.

Morwen and Lilly showed up at the end of the night. Talk about an odd fucking couple. Lilly, the most stone cold woman I've ever known, with Morwen, the absolute most sentimental and soft-hearted woman I know. I don't know, Morwen looks happy with her, much as she used to fucking loathe her. Lilly...well Lilly never looks happy anymore, but I guess she looks less angry around Morwen, and that's about as good as one can hope for. Morwen had something she wanted to talk to me about, but got called away before she could. Guess I will have to find out later. Just as she left, Angel came up and apologized for being missing. He was sort of beating himself up over it, and I tried to tell him it was okay. He seems like a damn good guy, though I've only talked to him a few times. Seemed to have a lot on his mind, though.

Everyone ended up going to bed, and I stayed at the Gate, since there was nothing else for me to do what with Amaterasu being unconscious in the hospital undergoing treatment. I'm starting to wonder about her. What will happen when she outgrows me, or perhaps realizes that she already has? She doesn't really need me, she's gotten past my ability to help her, much as I wish I still could. It's on Ethan and Ghost Festival now. Those are the people she chose. Me, I just happened to be there at the right time.

Reimei runs a hand through his hair and sighs heavily.

I'm not used to this. Before, it was always just doing a job, getting paid, and going home, and then doing it all over again the next day. Now there are people I care about, someone I love, and I am left to wonder if it's just me. Is it a one way street, so to speak? Maybe it is, and maybe I need to just accept that. Part of me wants that simple life back, and if Amaterasu leaves, I will have it. But, I wonder how empty it would seem now that I've been through what I have with these people? Maybe easier than I thought, the only one who really talks to me anymore is Inara, and I'm fairly sure that's largely because she wants Amaterasu and me in bed, and figures she can't have one without the other.

Reimei shakes his head.

These people are a fraction of my age and yet I'm the one who feels like a child anymore.

Reimei pauses uncomfortably, running a hand through his hair again and closing his eyes, clenching his jaw and looking suddenly strained.

If that wasn't enough, the implants are getting harder to control. Every time someone tells me to do something, I swear it's more effort than I've ever had to expend to not just hop up and do it. The headaches are getting worse. The nosebleeds are happening a lot more often, and they're getting more serious. Every so often I think that Stain seems like the place to go, or something else bizarre like that. Hikari was right about them being dangerous, but it was either this or die. For now, I still have it under control, but I wonder how long that will last. What happens when someone tells me to do something and I can't just not do it? What do I do then? And there's certainly no one I can go to for this.

Reimei sighs and shakes his head to clear it.

I'll just have to keep fighting through it. Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll be healed enough to take a softscan or use a jumpclone, and then I'll be clear of the implants.

Reimei gets up and walks off of the camera, which goes blank a few seconds later.

[Anomaly - Unauthorized Video Recording]

Amaterasu appears on the camera, looking furtively around the room, her green eyes a bit wide. She fumbles with the camera, trying to center it on her face and having some difficulty. She sucks nervously on the end of one of her dreadlocks as she finally sets the camera on a nearby table and crouches in front of it. She stares at it for a moment, waving her hand in front of it as if expecting it to follow her movements. It doesn't.

Umm, s-so...I g-guess this i-is R-Reimei's...th-thing...

She looks around again as if nervous.

I'm p-probably not s-supposed to u-use it...but...

Amaterasu bites her lip.

R-Reimei's been...k-kind of weird...and...I d-don't know w-what do do...Miss Inara...she c-called me l-last n-night...And...w-well...she said that R-Reimei was acting w-weird too...and that they had to w-watch him...

Amaterasu flinches slightly, and the dreadlock she'd had in her mouth falls out, one of the beads woven into her hair clicking against the PRETA insignia on her collar as it falls back onto her shoulder.

I d-don't know...what happened...R-Reimei said he was f-fine...but M-Miss Inara's doctors w-watched him all n-night, and I had to s-stay in a b-bed across from him b-because he had all these w-wires hooked into...into his head...

Amaterasu wrings her hands, her knuckles popping slightly as she squeezes her hands against each other where they rest on her knees.

H-he's been...k-kind of weird...l-like he d-doesn't always p-pay attention to things...and s-sometimes he has nosebleeds...I d-don't know w-what's wrong...but he always says n-not to worry...I h-hope he's okay...

The sound of a door opening can be heard, and Amaterasu jumps, looking up, to the right of the camera. A soft, but low, masculine voice drifts through the doorway.

Oh, there you are, Amaterasu. I went to send a message and realized that I have your datapad instead of mine. I thought I'd bring it back in case the Ghosts needed you for anything.

Amaterasu practically jumps to her feet, grabbing the datapad from the table in a fit of guilty clumsiness.

O-oh...s-sorry...umm...h-here...

The camera registers only the ceiling as it is thrust toward the sound of Reimei's voice.

Thanks, Amaterasu. Here you go.

There is a short pause, and the hand holding the camera must be trembling, because the view of the ceiling becomes quite wobbly.

Amaterasu, is everything okay?

The camera shakes more violently.

Y-yeah...It's j-just...I'm s-sorry...I f-forgot...and I w-was g-going to g-go to the h-hangar...because...because m-my Rifter g-got b-blown up y-yesterday...s-so...I w-wanted to m-make sure the n-new one w-was...all d-done...

A large shadow passes past the camera, and the tips of spiky black hair are visible as it passes. The camera angle changes again to show Reimei's broad back, and the capsuleer implants just visible on the back of his neck, his hair nowhere near long enough to cover them. The camera swings around and gives a view of the wall as the datapad thuds against Reimei's side in a hug.

I'm sorry, Amaterasu. Tell you what, I have some contract work back in the Black Rise, but on the way back, I'll see about having the rest of your ships brought back out to Goinard, okay?

The camera moves up and down slightly, echoing Amaterasu's nod.

Okay, well, let me go grab a couple things and I'll see if I can find you a transport service, or see if I have a big enough hauler to do it myself instead of taking the Interbus back.

The camera moves again as Reimei steps away. A moment later, there is a faint rustle and the large Civire slides sideways onto the ground, impacting the floor with a dull thud. Amaterasu's shriek resounds through the room.

Reimei!!

The datapad falls to the ground with a clatter, the camera just briefly showing a dazed looking Reimei shaking his head and pushing back to his feet before it impacts the ground and shuts off.