Free Thought

It's been entirely too long since I was able to sit and think for myself. Fighting the implants took every ounce of willpower I had, and in the end, doing it was killing me. Literally. The doctors said that my resisting the implants was causing cerebral damage that, if it went on, would become irreparable, and eventually fatal. So I had to let go. I left a recording for Inara with instructions about what to do, came up with a way to get it to her, and let the implants do their work.

Watching your body move on its own, do things you don't want it to, is...unsettling, at best. On some level I was aware that what was happening was not me, but at my most conscious level of thought..well, I'm not so sure. Suffice to say that if I am ever given the choice between those implants and death again, I will take death. Granted, this time I didn't have a choice.

But now I'm back. I can think for myself, and I don't think I ever appreciated exactly how wonderful that is. Every second isn't an unending and nearly unendurable battle to maintain some scrap of free will. From the look of it, not many, if any others, knew what was going on. Except for, and I don't know who thought this was funny, that this clone's hair is down to my goddamn shoulders. I'll have to get it cut once I have a free minute. Someone somewhere is having a laugh.

I think it's Lilly. I noticed that, while this body is almost entirely normal, the eyes and some of the muscles are artificial. I found out when I looked in the mirror and my eyes were changing color. I think maybe it's her idea of a gift. Or a joke. It's hard to tell. At least it seems that, barring that, this is a normal body. No more weird shit with skin temperature or blood. I won't miss that. I will admit though that it is sort of fun to play with people by changing my eye color every few minutes.

Amaterasu is out doing some maintenance on her new assault ships. One of the first things we did when I got back was go have a look at them. I have to admit, they are pretty nice. There's something haphazardly charming about Minmatar design, and the Wolf and Jaguar look a bit more finished than the Rifter. She loves them, and I suppose that's what really matters. After seeing what they cost compared to a Rifter though, I hope she can minimize the number of times she loses one.

Inara stopped by and wanted to talk about what happened over the last couple weeks, and how much of it I was in control of, what was true, what wasn't, and so on. Poor kid. I did my best to explain, but she's so damn shy and obtuse that dragging the questions she actually wants to ask out of her is damn near impossible. Maybe after she's had some time to sort it out for herself, she'll be able to figure out exactly what she wants to ask me. Or just get up the courage to do it, though I can't imagine why she would possibly be scared to ask me anything.

Another somewhat interesting development is that Amaterasu has apparently gotten some sort of planetside assignment from the Cartel. It looks like a simple courier job, maybe just testing out how trustworthy she is, but I'm not at all convinced. Trusting the members of Ghost Festival is one thing, but the Cartel at large...well, that would be foolish at best. But I suppose she doesn't have a lot of choice about doing it. I'll go with her, to make sure that everything goes smoothly. It'll give her an excuse to use her Wolf, even if only as a transport. She's supposed to leave tonight so that she can be wherever she's going early tomorrow morning. I guess we'll see how it goes. Even if it is just a milk run, I'd have been a lot happier if they could have put someone else on it. I don't want Amaterasu pulled too far into the Cartel's "business."

Hopefully, now that I'm me again, I can keep some sort of eye on that.