Free Thought

It's been entirely too long since I was able to sit and think for myself. Fighting the implants took every ounce of willpower I had, and in the end, doing it was killing me. Literally. The doctors said that my resisting the implants was causing cerebral damage that, if it went on, would become irreparable, and eventually fatal. So I had to let go. I left a recording for Inara with instructions about what to do, came up with a way to get it to her, and let the implants do their work.

Watching your body move on its own, do things you don't want it to, is...unsettling, at best. On some level I was aware that what was happening was not me, but at my most conscious level of thought..well, I'm not so sure. Suffice to say that if I am ever given the choice between those implants and death again, I will take death. Granted, this time I didn't have a choice.

But now I'm back. I can think for myself, and I don't think I ever appreciated exactly how wonderful that is. Every second isn't an unending and nearly unendurable battle to maintain some scrap of free will. From the look of it, not many, if any others, knew what was going on. Except for, and I don't know who thought this was funny, that this clone's hair is down to my goddamn shoulders. I'll have to get it cut once I have a free minute. Someone somewhere is having a laugh.

I think it's Lilly. I noticed that, while this body is almost entirely normal, the eyes and some of the muscles are artificial. I found out when I looked in the mirror and my eyes were changing color. I think maybe it's her idea of a gift. Or a joke. It's hard to tell. At least it seems that, barring that, this is a normal body. No more weird shit with skin temperature or blood. I won't miss that. I will admit though that it is sort of fun to play with people by changing my eye color every few minutes.

Amaterasu is out doing some maintenance on her new assault ships. One of the first things we did when I got back was go have a look at them. I have to admit, they are pretty nice. There's something haphazardly charming about Minmatar design, and the Wolf and Jaguar look a bit more finished than the Rifter. She loves them, and I suppose that's what really matters. After seeing what they cost compared to a Rifter though, I hope she can minimize the number of times she loses one.

Inara stopped by and wanted to talk about what happened over the last couple weeks, and how much of it I was in control of, what was true, what wasn't, and so on. Poor kid. I did my best to explain, but she's so damn shy and obtuse that dragging the questions she actually wants to ask out of her is damn near impossible. Maybe after she's had some time to sort it out for herself, she'll be able to figure out exactly what she wants to ask me. Or just get up the courage to do it, though I can't imagine why she would possibly be scared to ask me anything.

Another somewhat interesting development is that Amaterasu has apparently gotten some sort of planetside assignment from the Cartel. It looks like a simple courier job, maybe just testing out how trustworthy she is, but I'm not at all convinced. Trusting the members of Ghost Festival is one thing, but the Cartel at large...well, that would be foolish at best. But I suppose she doesn't have a lot of choice about doing it. I'll go with her, to make sure that everything goes smoothly. It'll give her an excuse to use her Wolf, even if only as a transport. She's supposed to leave tonight so that she can be wherever she's going early tomorrow morning. I guess we'll see how it goes. Even if it is just a milk run, I'd have been a lot happier if they could have put someone else on it. I don't want Amaterasu pulled too far into the Cartel's "business."

Hopefully, now that I'm me again, I can keep some sort of eye on that.

Where Are We?

Riemei sits, somewhat slumped, in a chair in the lounge in his battleship. A mostly empty glass of vodka sits in front of him, though he does not appear drunk. Mostly, he looks tired, his eyes on something above and behind the camera as he rests both of his hands on the arm of his chair.

It's been a hell of a week. Amaterasu's in Ethan's medical facilities now, undergoing some treatment I don't really understand. From what Ethan said, though, it will fix her...problem. It's supposed to get rid of this other Amaterasu that surfaces sometimes. I hope it works. On the few occasions I've managed to talk to Amaterasu on the subject, she's been absolutely terrified of it, whatever it is. Some kind of split personality as near as I can figure.

Reimei rubs his temple with one hand, looking pale and drawn as he pauses in thought.

She is growing, though. Getting better, I think. I didn't get to see much of what she was like at the party at the Three Sisters, but apparently she had a great time. Kimochi told me that Amaterasu tried to wrestle Makar into the pool, and that she "stole Kasuko's boobs." I don't actually know what that last part means, but apparently most of the people at the party ended up topless at one point or another, so I have to imagine that it had something to do with that. I can't really imagine Amaterasu running around topless, but then, she was really, really drunk. Of course, I also couldn't have imagined Ethan running around in a pink bikini, but I guess I don't have to try anymore, either.

Reimei shudders and laughs at the same time.

It sounds like everyone had a great time. I'm half-sorry that I missed it, but I think Inara needed someone to talk to more. She was going to leave, but I convinced her to stay by taking her as my date down to the pool, since Ethan taken Amaterasu and Kimochi off to the pool a bit earlier. I've never seen Inara so depressed. I guess it's because Reppy is gone, lost in a wormhole, but she said that Reppy was fine. I wonder what else it could be. Maybe she's just lonely. So used to having Reppy and Age all the time that she doesn't know what to do without them.

Reimei wrinkles his nose at the thought of Inara with Age, but does not comment further.

I would say it's silly, but that would be terribly hypocritical of me. I've gotten so used to having Amaterasu around all the time that, now that she's out flying with Ghost Festival, I don't know what to do with myself. Part of me is happy for her, finally coming into her own, but then, it's sad to see that she doesn't need me any longer. That is, of course, not what is happening with Inara, since Reppy will never, ever form an identity outside of Inara, but she is alone for the moment, from the sound of it.

Anyway, Inara didn't particularly want to be at the party, so we left when things started getting really wild, and went back here for a drink. Of course, as we were leaving, an absolutely inebriated Morwen yelled for my attention and then grabbed Lilly and started making out with her on the spot, right in the pool at the laguna. That was a bit unsettling.

Another half-laugh, half-shudder as Reimei remembers the scene.

It seems that Inara is the sort of woman who wants what she cannot have. She admitted it, in a sense, just not in so many words. I don't understand her desire to sleep with her friends, and I don't think she understands why I won't do it. I love Amaterasu, even if she doesn't love me, and I will not be the one to hurt her, and certainly not by sleeping with one of her friends and coworkers. Of course, when I went home that night, Amaterasu was passed out, drunk and naked in the bed. I would have been worried, if Ethan hadn't told me that it was Makar who brought her up to put her to bed, and that she had not, in fact, been naked for the trip home.

Inara got a call while we were talking, and had to leave. I heard Kelsy's voice on her datapad, and, being able to put two and two together from what she said, figured something had gone wrong with her and Vince.

Turns out I was right. Next day, Vince came into the Gate looking like he'd slept in a gutter after jumping into a meat grinder. He wasn't particularly coherent, but apparently Kelsy left him. I didn't get much out of him before Ethan practically carried him off to the compound behind the Gate to talk. I hope he's okay.

I talked to Kasuko a bit about the party after that, as well as Kimmy and Ethan. Apparently some people on GalNet had voted for Amaterasu as the wildest person at the party, which almost worried me. I asked Ethan what she had done, and he just told me that I didn't want to know. Kasuko, however, had no such reservations about saying what had happened. Apaprently Amaterasu had been topless and trying to tackle Makar, as well as wrestle with Kasuko. Kasuko claims Amaterasu tried to steal her top, too, but I'm not altogether sure I believe that.

Kasuko's a strange woman, sort of charming in her own crude, tactless way. Not sure why she drinks so much. I'm not sure I've seen her sober. She surprised me last night by launching into a mini-lecture about the composition of asteroids and methods of removing ore from them without causing structural instability. Somewhere under all the liquor there is a brain, which is good to know.

Reimei frowns and takes a drink from the glass sitting on the table in front of him.

Then Riri showed up. I don't quite get why she does it. Running around with all these tattoos proclaiming how she belongs to Tyrias, but I've never seen them together. Of course, Tyrias knows the stay the hell out of the Gate, but still...

Reimei rubs his jaw in thought as he sets the glass back down.

She seems to have some sort of special interest in tormenting me. Not sure what it is, or why, but she really seems to enjoy it. The way she dresses would be distracting if she wasn't so revolting as a person. Pretty girl, but completely fucked in the head. Kasuko seemed to enjoy it, which broke the tension just a bit. I hope she doesn't get any ideas about Riri though, I hate to think what Tyrias would do to Kasuko if given the chance.

Apparently Tyrias showed up at the party sometime after I left. Fortunately, apparently Amaterasu had left by then as well. Aldrith was rather out of sorts about him having been there, and so was some new friend of his...Sah Phyre. She seemed nice enough, but when I warned her to keep clear of Tyrias, she said that she was done running, that she could take care of herself. I guess that's what everyone wants to think, though. But Tyrias has left a wake of bodies of people who thought they could take care of themselves behind him. I just hope that little slip of an Intaki doesn't end up being one of them. Maybe I should talk to Ethan about putting Tyrias down for good.

Morwen and Lilly showed up at the end of the night. Talk about an odd fucking couple. Lilly, the most stone cold woman I've ever known, with Morwen, the absolute most sentimental and soft-hearted woman I know. I don't know, Morwen looks happy with her, much as she used to fucking loathe her. Lilly...well Lilly never looks happy anymore, but I guess she looks less angry around Morwen, and that's about as good as one can hope for. Morwen had something she wanted to talk to me about, but got called away before she could. Guess I will have to find out later. Just as she left, Angel came up and apologized for being missing. He was sort of beating himself up over it, and I tried to tell him it was okay. He seems like a damn good guy, though I've only talked to him a few times. Seemed to have a lot on his mind, though.

Everyone ended up going to bed, and I stayed at the Gate, since there was nothing else for me to do what with Amaterasu being unconscious in the hospital undergoing treatment. I'm starting to wonder about her. What will happen when she outgrows me, or perhaps realizes that she already has? She doesn't really need me, she's gotten past my ability to help her, much as I wish I still could. It's on Ethan and Ghost Festival now. Those are the people she chose. Me, I just happened to be there at the right time.

Reimei runs a hand through his hair and sighs heavily.

I'm not used to this. Before, it was always just doing a job, getting paid, and going home, and then doing it all over again the next day. Now there are people I care about, someone I love, and I am left to wonder if it's just me. Is it a one way street, so to speak? Maybe it is, and maybe I need to just accept that. Part of me wants that simple life back, and if Amaterasu leaves, I will have it. But, I wonder how empty it would seem now that I've been through what I have with these people? Maybe easier than I thought, the only one who really talks to me anymore is Inara, and I'm fairly sure that's largely because she wants Amaterasu and me in bed, and figures she can't have one without the other.

Reimei shakes his head.

These people are a fraction of my age and yet I'm the one who feels like a child anymore.

Reimei pauses uncomfortably, running a hand through his hair again and closing his eyes, clenching his jaw and looking suddenly strained.

If that wasn't enough, the implants are getting harder to control. Every time someone tells me to do something, I swear it's more effort than I've ever had to expend to not just hop up and do it. The headaches are getting worse. The nosebleeds are happening a lot more often, and they're getting more serious. Every so often I think that Stain seems like the place to go, or something else bizarre like that. Hikari was right about them being dangerous, but it was either this or die. For now, I still have it under control, but I wonder how long that will last. What happens when someone tells me to do something and I can't just not do it? What do I do then? And there's certainly no one I can go to for this.

Reimei sighs and shakes his head to clear it.

I'll just have to keep fighting through it. Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll be healed enough to take a softscan or use a jumpclone, and then I'll be clear of the implants.

Reimei gets up and walks off of the camera, which goes blank a few seconds later.

[Anomaly - Unauthorized Video Recording]

Amaterasu appears on the camera, looking furtively around the room, her green eyes a bit wide. She fumbles with the camera, trying to center it on her face and having some difficulty. She sucks nervously on the end of one of her dreadlocks as she finally sets the camera on a nearby table and crouches in front of it. She stares at it for a moment, waving her hand in front of it as if expecting it to follow her movements. It doesn't.

Umm, s-so...I g-guess this i-is R-Reimei's...th-thing...

She looks around again as if nervous.

I'm p-probably not s-supposed to u-use it...but...

Amaterasu bites her lip.

R-Reimei's been...k-kind of weird...and...I d-don't know w-what do do...Miss Inara...she c-called me l-last n-night...And...w-well...she said that R-Reimei was acting w-weird too...and that they had to w-watch him...

Amaterasu flinches slightly, and the dreadlock she'd had in her mouth falls out, one of the beads woven into her hair clicking against the PRETA insignia on her collar as it falls back onto her shoulder.

I d-don't know...what happened...R-Reimei said he was f-fine...but M-Miss Inara's doctors w-watched him all n-night, and I had to s-stay in a b-bed across from him b-because he had all these w-wires hooked into...into his head...

Amaterasu wrings her hands, her knuckles popping slightly as she squeezes her hands against each other where they rest on her knees.

H-he's been...k-kind of weird...l-like he d-doesn't always p-pay attention to things...and s-sometimes he has nosebleeds...I d-don't know w-what's wrong...but he always says n-not to worry...I h-hope he's okay...

The sound of a door opening can be heard, and Amaterasu jumps, looking up, to the right of the camera. A soft, but low, masculine voice drifts through the doorway.

Oh, there you are, Amaterasu. I went to send a message and realized that I have your datapad instead of mine. I thought I'd bring it back in case the Ghosts needed you for anything.

Amaterasu practically jumps to her feet, grabbing the datapad from the table in a fit of guilty clumsiness.

O-oh...s-sorry...umm...h-here...

The camera registers only the ceiling as it is thrust toward the sound of Reimei's voice.

Thanks, Amaterasu. Here you go.

There is a short pause, and the hand holding the camera must be trembling, because the view of the ceiling becomes quite wobbly.

Amaterasu, is everything okay?

The camera shakes more violently.

Y-yeah...It's j-just...I'm s-sorry...I f-forgot...and I w-was g-going to g-go to the h-hangar...because...because m-my Rifter g-got b-blown up y-yesterday...s-so...I w-wanted to m-make sure the n-new one w-was...all d-done...

A large shadow passes past the camera, and the tips of spiky black hair are visible as it passes. The camera angle changes again to show Reimei's broad back, and the capsuleer implants just visible on the back of his neck, his hair nowhere near long enough to cover them. The camera swings around and gives a view of the wall as the datapad thuds against Reimei's side in a hug.

I'm sorry, Amaterasu. Tell you what, I have some contract work back in the Black Rise, but on the way back, I'll see about having the rest of your ships brought back out to Goinard, okay?

The camera moves up and down slightly, echoing Amaterasu's nod.

Okay, well, let me go grab a couple things and I'll see if I can find you a transport service, or see if I have a big enough hauler to do it myself instead of taking the Interbus back.

The camera moves again as Reimei steps away. A moment later, there is a faint rustle and the large Civire slides sideways onto the ground, impacting the floor with a dull thud. Amaterasu's shriek resounds through the room.

Reimei!!

The datapad falls to the ground with a clatter, the camera just briefly showing a dazed looking Reimei shaking his head and pushing back to his feet before it impacts the ground and shuts off.

"Family"

I should have just smashed her fucking head. That stupid, stupid girl. I get a message from Amaterasu saying that she's in Inara's medical bay, and wants me to come say hello. Inara tells me that she gave Amaterasu a glass full of Nerve Sticks, to which Amaterasu is, apparently, allergic. Instead of calling me when it happens, Inara waits until Amaterasu wakes up and decides to call me herself. She could have died, and Inara didn't so much as send me a goddamn page.

Amaterasu is fine, thankfully. The doctors cleaned out her system, and she's doing alright. But fucking Inara...that stupid, stupid girl. First Age, and everything that entailed, and now this. Amaterasu has been in Ghost Festival for two fucking days and Inara has already nearly killed her. Maybe I should have talked her out of it.

Inara wanted me to kill her. I probably should have. But what would have been the point? She would have gotten to forget what she did, and watch the highlights and not have to worry. No, she gets to live, and I hope she fucking suffers for remembering it all. I told her that, as far as I was concerned, she was dead, though. Ninety-seven years, and never once have I been intentionally cruel. Until then. I couldn't think of anything I could do that would hurt her more, so that was what I did, and I hope to hell it worked. Amaterasu trusted her, and that's what she got. How is being with PRETA going to help if Inara is the standard? If I see her again, she dies.

I had to take Amaterasu back to the Gate where Inara couldn't follow. I don't want to see her again. Ever. But I don't think I have that choice. Gods...if I see her again...If she hurts Amaterasu again in any way...

Lazarus?

Ethan asked me how many lives I have once. I told him I didn't want to have to find out.

Apparently I have at least four. I died as Ryan and came back as Reimei. I died again as Reimei and Ciarente managed to bring me back from that. Now they tell me I was dead again. Braindead, really. Lilly's implants were keeping me alive, preventing the tissue from decaying and maintaining a heartbeat and everything else. But there was no activity in my brain at all.

I don't know what they did. I woke up in a bombed-out research complex somewhere in Esoteria with a few dozen True Slaves pounding on the door, and Lilly telling me it was time to get the hell out. We did, but only just, and now Inara has us cooped up on her carrier for...well, I don't really know why. She told me she doesn't want us leaving, which is a bit of a laugh.

I've been out a few times so far, just to see some friends. They were a bit surprised to see me alive, and I guess in retrospect, I'm surprised to be alive. None of them are happy about how it happened though, and frankly neither am I. Whatever Lilly put in my head to get impulses firing, it came from Nation technology. Hikari caught wind and had me come meet her at the Skyhook because apparently her corporation has standing orders to avoid the Gate. No idea why, but I guess they aren't the only ones what with all the trouble I heard Ordo was in.

Anyway, she wanted to talk to me about it. Warned me how subtle the "transformation," as she called it, is or can be. She seems to think that I'll be a True within a few months. It was all I could do not to laugh. I told her that would never happen, that the implants are only keeping my neurons firing. She wasn't convinced. What else can I do, though? The doctors said that there is some residual tissue damage, and I won't be able to scan for a clone for at least a couple of weeks. Until then, I'm stuck in this body.

It's not so bad, I guess. My head hurts more often than is probably normal, and I've been getting nosebleeds with odd frequency. The worst of it was when that Riri girl who told Ethan and me where Tyrias was before we killed him showed up. She had to have been on something, because she was stronger and faster than anyone her size ought to be. Forced me into a bench, sat in my lap, and demanded and apology for breaking her bracelet the night I met her.

Inara's guards showed up and made things worse. I'd been letting the amateurs follow me for a few weeks, but not anymore. The girl had these tattoos on her neck that, well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised about them, coming form Tyrias. She calls him "Master" like it's a name. I'd feel sorry for her if it wasn't so revolting.

I went to talk to Inara about getting the guards off of me, but Age was there. Between the headaches and exhaustion, and how angry I was about the guards, I couldn't deal with her. Age apparently felt the same way, because she tried to punch me a few times. I didn't let her, and just left the room.

I went back to Amaterasu's ship, which is still in Inara's maintenance array, and decided to try to sleep it off. About a half hour later I got a message from Inara saying to meet her at the observation deck on her carrier. I ignored it and went back to sleep. About twenty minutes after the time she appointed for me to meet her, Amaterasu's XO comes knocking at the door to her quarters, trying to get me to come out and talk to Inara. The goddamn woman is persistent.

So I went to talk to her, and she had some kind of fit. Just collapsed, half crying, half laughing. I pucked her up and calmed her down more on reflex than anything else. Took her to the galley and cooked her dinner and then told her to remove the security detail. Eventually she agreed, but then told me to show Age more consideration in her home.

That was, well, about the last I could take of that. She actually believes that the things Age has dome to me are okay, because it is Age, and she must have a higher purpose. The girl is so unbelievably stupid in how lovestruck she is that I simply can't make myself deal with her anymore. So, I told her that I'd already have killed Age if I could.

She didn't like that. At all. I agreed to leave Age alone provided I never see her again. Told Inara that if Age so much as looks at me funny, I'll start looking for a way to kill her. Inara begged me not to make her choose between Age and me. I am not sure who she thinks she's kidding there. From the way she defended Age, and continues to defend her, what she is really asking is for me not to make her actually do something about the choice she's already made. She tried to tell me that I needed to give Age another chance, that even I'd said everyone deserves a second chance. Well, Age has had her second chance. And third, and fourth. She spat on all of them, and I'm past believing that'll change.

When I told Inara that I would leave Age alone if she left me alone, though, Inara treated it like I'd just rescued her child from a burning building. Swore to give me anything I wanted, and promised she was so far in my debt she'd never be able to repay me. Took offense when I told her not to bother trying, that she had nothing I wanted. I probably could have been more diplomatic about that, but I'm tired of that girl and how stupid she is. I never should have tried to do for her what I tried and failed to do for Tyrias. At least when I met Tyrias he had sense and potential. I don't know what I was thinking with Inara.

And, to make matters even more complicated, Amaterasu has just come home with bloody hands and strange news. It seems that I'm getting what I wanted. Amaterasu is joining a corporation, or so she says. But, the corporation she's joining is PRETA, which means she'll be flying with Inara. At least there are other people there who I think I can trust to look after her. She said she didn't really remember the interview very well, and I think I know what that means, but she told me she broke Vaden's jaw, which at least made me laugh. Apparently he stopped calling her slave, and even shook her hand though. Maybe, as long as she keeps clear of Inara and Age, it'll be a good place for her. This Vince guy she brought back to show her ship the other day seems decent enough, and genuinely interested in her well being.

Vincent Pryce was his full name. Inara seemed to have an interest in him, but Inara seems to be interested in just about anything with a pulse. When I met him first, Inara was sitting in Amaterasu's lounge on the Kagutsuchi, naked as usual. Apparently it made him uncomfortable as hell. I hadn't given it a second thought until he turned ten shades of red and started stammering and slipping up when he talked.

But, Amaterasu said he was nice to her. Said he let her try some fruit, gave her a birthday cake, and some fruit juice she really liked. I'll have to get to know him a little better to see if there's anything else to him. He seemed damned uncomfortable when Inara blurted out that I had Sansha implants. Not that I blame him, but then that's Inara. Not even a modicum of regard for anyone's privacy.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try to talk to him. If Amaterasu is, in fact, joining PRETA, then I need to know more about them. Maybe I'll catch Myrhial at the Gate again. Asking Inara would be a waste of time, and I doubt Vaden can actually talk, or that he'd talk to me if he could. I'll just have to figure it out. But for now, I've double checked that the fingernail cuts in Amaterasu's palms are clean, and she's asleep. I guess I'll stop this before the keyboard wakes her up. As if anything really could...

Something Foolish [Video Recording]

Reimei sits in a leather armchair in a wood-paneled room, holoscreens mounted on the walls displaying tactical readouts of a Drake-class battlecruiser. He runs a hand through his short, spiked black hair, looking strained as he leans back in the chair. He frowns at the camera, looking at it as though it were some uninvited guest at a private gathering.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing with this thing, but people keep saying that they have amazing cathartic value. So, I keep wondering why I'm doing it. Ninety-seven years and I've never once felt the need to get things off my chest.

He shrugs in his seat, looking perplexed.

It's been a week of firsts, though. Aldrith's basilica was not a place I ever imagined I would revisit. I'm not sure what came over me, but I think I had to go there. Mostly because I owed Aldrith an apology for what an ass I was while I was drunk at the Gate. But, I think what I really got out of it was that I realized I didn't need to be there. If there is a God, and I certainly can't make myself believe that the Amarrians are right, I doubt that you'd find it somewhere like that. Sure, Aldrith and his people are devout, maybe some of them are even good, but I think they've got it wrong.

Anyway, I went to pray; something I have never done in my entire life. I was sure it would be wrong of me to pray for myself, as what I know about their God says it's generally not a good idea to come knocking at its door for the first time in an hour of need, begging to have your ass pulled out of the fire. No, whatever happens to me now is simply going to happen. I wanted to pray for Amaterasu. I guess I just thought that, if there was a God, that after everything its people had done to her, it owed her one, and could look after her if I wouldn't be able to anymore. Stupid notion, I know.

He laughs at himself, though grimly, rubbing a hand over his jaw.

It's something downright foolish when I say it aloud. And I thought Inara was naïve. Here I am looking for help from on high for Amaterasu, in what I know is the last place she'd ever get it.

He sighs heavily, and looks back at the camera.

But now is a little late to worry about it. Lilly and Tyrias are waiting, and it seems like I am doing everything I can come up with to slow down my going to them. I've run headlong into death more times than I can count, and never once flinched, so why now?

At this, he pauses again, and rubs his temples with his fingertips, closing his gray eyes. He lets out another slow sigh, and looks away from the camera, at something on the wall behind it, his gaze abstracting.

Amaterasu. Maybe it's only fair that, as soon as I find something worth living for, I have to die. After everything I've done, it'd be wrong of me to whine about how unfair it is for my life to end once I start to actually enjoy it. And yet, that doesn't change the fact, even a little, that I'm simply not ready to die anymore. Morwen was right. I've been ready to die, even trying to die for twenty years now. But, now I have someone to take care of, someone I actually want to have in my life, and I may have to give it all up. I hope she will forgive me if I do die, because I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for leaving her. But I'll be damned if I don't fight with everything I have to come back home to her.

Ethan seems to think I can, but I think he's alone in that. Alone except that, maybe, I agree with him. I refuse to believe that, of all people, Lilly will be the end of me. If she tries, Ethan gave me a little something that will, I hope, put her down for good if it comes to that. I hope it doesn't come to that, though.

Let's see...who else..?

There's Inara. She seems reasonably sure I can't manage it, what with all the soft scanning business she wanted to do. But then, Inara apparently doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. It would be a shame to die and leave her with Age as a mentor, but I doubt I could fix that for her even if I do survive. Poor kid.

Morwen was just angry. But she seems angry most of the time anymore. Angry or sad. Didn't really get to talk to her much, but maybe that's a good thing. The last thing I need is Morwen in one of her funks trying to stop me going. Aldrith seemed to feel the same way. But then, so did Jenn. Nice to know the level of confidence I inspire in the people around me. I remember when I used to be a leader, and none of the people I knew would have ever questioned me doing something like this. Was it because they didn't care, or have I lost some of that since coming out here.

And what if I do survive? What, then? What will Amaterasu and I do? I know she would join Veto Academy in a heartbeat to learn how to fight and keep her friends safe, but she doesn't understand that they're pirates. Me…

Reimei shrugs again, leaning back.

It's a life I could get used to easily enough. But I don't see Amaterasu doing it. Maybe I'm wrong, and not giving her enough credit. But she's just so gentle that I can't imagine her attacking someone for money. And there's Ghost Festival, Inara's "Family." With one exception, they seem to be good people. The ones I've met, at least. But Vaden Khale, the scared little boy playing tough while he wanders in the dark, is probably enough to keep me clear of them. If he comes near Amaterasu again, I will have to kill him, auto turrets in the Gate be damned. But...

He runs a hand through his hair again, looking troubled.

It's funny, in his own sick way, I think he wants to help Amaterasu. Certainly, he wants to shape her into something horrible, but he does seem to be doing it to help her. I'm not entirely convinced he wouldn't hurt her, but I think he wants to teach her his own twisted brand of strength. I would rather see her be stronger than that, even at peace if possible. But, under different circumstances, I might have liked the guy

I don't think my life of trying to avoid people is going to be good for her, though. Amaterasu has been growing so much, coming out of her shell around all the people that she's met at the Gate. I think the next step for her is to join a real corporation, and learn to work with people, to be a useful part of a larger whole. But how can I help her with that? The only thing I was ever particularly good at was destruction, and she's just not that sort of person. Maybe...

He sighs again.

Maybe I'll talk to Ethan, or Myrhial. The couple times I've seen her, she seemed like a decent enough woman. Amaterasu really seems to like Kimochi, so maybe that would be a better starting point. If I tell Amaterasu to join a corporation, she will just do it. She needs to figure this out for herself.

Another grim laugh, and he stands.

Of course, this is all assuming that I live past tomorrow. It's a nice thought, but who knows what Lilly has in store for me? From the looks of it, nothing I will like.
He glances away from the camera again, shifting the black, carbon fiber pistol in its holster on his hip, and then turns back to the camera, leaning down toward the controls

No idea if this helped. But, if I die, I bet when Morwen and everyone finds this, they'll have a good laugh.

He enters a command into his datapad resting on the table before him, and the video feed blanks.